When people get married, their initial hope is that they never have to go through dating again. But as has become all too common, this isn’t how life often turns out. People get divorced and are thrust back out into the dating world again – this time with a whole new set of baggage. That baggage isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just different. And it certainly makes dating a little more difficult because there are more aspects of a relationship you have to navigate.
One of the first aspects is that for a prospective woman, you are now a divorcee. That comes with a whole set of thoughts, expectations and concerns for women. They often know that you come with some bitterness towards an ex, some wounds of a relationship that didn’t work and that they might have to compete with a first love or someone that got to the point of marriage before.
I certainly learned my lessons from my marriage. Plenty of what I did wrong. Plenty of stuff I should have never put up with. Plenty of ways I was lazy. Plenty of ways that I could have been more aware of how things were going in the moment. I think those have shaped how I am now that I am dating. I have made efforts to not be lazy, not be complacent and to make who I am with feel appreciated. So far in the two post-split relationships I have had, that wasn’t enough. It’s tough to tell if me being a divorcee was a part of what didn’t work for those women – only they really know, but you can’t help but wonder. It’s not an easy set of baggage to get through.
An almost equal aspect of dating a divorced dad is the father part. Upon entering the dating world again, there are plenty of women who have been divorced and have kids of their own, just as there are dads who have kids. Undoubtedly, the concerns there are entering the picture as a potential stepmother, raising kids that already have two parents, those kids not actually being yours and how that limits time with a potential mate.
You've gotta have hope!
For whatever reason, I haven’t dated any women long-term that had kids. Perhaps this was a mistake. Certainly there are some things that only parents can understand. I can understand that it’s different for a single person without kids to have an open social schedule, but every other weekend I have my kids and I have them some of the days during the week. So in essence, your new girlfriend has to share you with your kids. Not always an easy task.
If things progress well, eventually it comes time of figuring out when to introduce the new woman in your life to your new girlfriend. In the two relationships since I split, I was able to introduce the kids to them – even though that might not have been the best in the end. Kids are very observant and when they see their dad has someone new in his life who makes them happy, I think they naturally want to be around that person. The two women were good people and took to the kids well and the kids loved a new person in their lives. However, it becomes very difficult to explain to a 7 and 3-year-old why daddy’s girlfriend can teach them cartwheels anymore or why they can’t come to the park with us anymore. How do I tell my daughter that woman X didn’t really like daddy anymore? No easy task, to be sure.
So I have a new girlfriend, someone I am very fond of. And it already is in my mind of how long to wait before introductions come along. I know the ex has very strong feelings of waiting a while, in part because of what has happened in my two other relationships. She is very justified in her feelings and is looking out for our children, I get that. She has been with a guy for nearly a year, so she hasn’t really had to go through much of the same, so she comes from a bit of a different perspective, but one that I completely respect. I mean, as a dad, I worry about what were to happen if her relationship, which is very solid, were not to work. They kids have grown very close to her boyfriend and would be pretty hurt if he were out of the picture. I get where she’s coming from. But another part of seeing if you fit with someone as a dad that’s dating is to see how a woman fits with your children. You don’t really want to get six months down the line before the first meeting to realize either side is incredibly uncomfortable with the other side. That’s a lot of wasted time. On the other hand, you don’t want your kids to meet a bunch of different women, they need stability in their lives. It’s a fine line to walk and I don’t think there is one good answer.
Despite all of this, I wouldn’t change what I’ve come through. I have learned a lot through my relationships. Just because they haven’t worked doesn’t mean they were a waste of time or that I am bitter. Consider me the eternal optimist. I guess it takes finding a woman that is optimistic that I am not tortured and tattered from my marriage and other relationships. I would like to think that I try to apply some of what I learn into my new relationships. I like to think that I try to buck the mold of what dating a dad, or even a guy is like. But I know some guys have been beaten down by their marriages – so I and other single dads fighting the good fight have a lot to overcome to convince a woman that we’re ready to head into the fray again.
In the end, that’s what I think really women want to be sure of, that they’re not going to be your ex down the road. There are no guarantees, but I think if dads try to really analyze why things didn’t work out, it can go a long way into making successful relationships in the future. You have to learn from mistakes, it’s essential. I know I am applying all I have learned into my new girlfriend. Will it work? I certainly hope so, but as the last year has taught me, there are no guarantees. But being knocked down a few times is not going to keep this single dad from climbing on the horse again. If I didn’t, how could I ever tell my kids to get back on their bike after falling a few times and getting a few scraped knees? I’d be a fraud. Life’s far too short to give up.
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies,” Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption
Until next time,
Kurt
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